Accepting, free, and consuming the $hit outta life: America

On this day of our founding (ish) I thought it important to impart wisdom from a really real American like myself. Love it or leave it. Live free or die. And above all, respect our culture. I celebrated my Americanism this morning by eating ungodly amounts of genetically modified food and watching a 5-hour Jenny Jones marathon.

“One” might feel disgusting after that, but that “one” is obviously not American. I feel great! Completely revived and ready to attack this day with the vengeance of a drone hovering over my house while I’m watching Jenny Jones taking photos of me in my underthings.

I've actually never been prouder to be an Amurican than right now.

I’ve actually never been prouder to be an Amurican than right now.

Recently, people have come into my life that were born in other countries. Whereas previously I would have shunned these people for not being born free like me, I now understand that’s the wrong attitude. Welcome! I say.  Just like our founding fathers welcomed everyone with open arms and chains. Enjoy our genetically modified food, humongous steroid-filled vegetables (that should only be consumed fried), and 100 oz sodas that fit snuggly into the cup-holders of our suburban-assault-vehicles.

On this special day, please make sure to appreciate the freedom we have to blow things up – and please remember that fingers can be lost on this special day, so make sure to light the fuse of your M5000 with a really long match.

Please don’t take this post the wrong way, I seriously do love my country and anyone that knows me knows that I’ll be screaming “Happy Birthday America!” from the mountaintops tonight wearing my American Flag suspenders and matching head band.

G-bless the $hit out of all of us. Everyone. Even the people that weren’t born here.

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