Brilliant Invention #1 – Robot that delivers the perfect cliche, Clichebot (pronounced like Tebow)

As many of you know, I am a strong believer in cliches as a catchall for anything and everything.  Not only did I write about my overall love of cliches SEE I can write stuff! but I also wrote about my new favorite type and use case for cliches, the military jargon for corporate communications cliche!

I’m always thinking about things to help improve the human race through technology and innovation while keeping in mind that cliches are totally awesome and usually 110% right.  With that (you all signed and returned the NDA right?), I introduce Clichebot (pronounced like an elongated Tebow; phonetically:  KLEEEEEEE-Shay-BOW), the human-like bot that can read your emotional state and react with both the perfect and perfectly timed cliche.

Clichebot (pronounced like Tebow), will be as deferential as this guy is to that guy.

Go Clichebot! Go!

We are looking for a combo British man-servant and schaedendfreude-ian German staccato voice.  If you have that voice or know someone with that voice please let them know that there is an amazing opportunity that they will be unable to say no to.  They should look a bit like Mr. Belvedere, but be considerably more dry and droll and draconian, and they should be willing to pretend they are a robot.

Clichebot will not be your siri, he provides nothing of value beyond delivery of the ultimate cliche at the right time.  Timing is his M.O. and will be algorithymically based and will have computers and stuff in his stuff.

This is Clichebot at his deadpan-niest, he will come with various props such as ice bag attached here for particularly asinine questions you pose.

Here’s a bit of ad copy I’ve written for the prototype (currently in beta in a remote location in Sri Lanka as well as the US patent office).

Clichebot is currently accepting voice-over applications.  While we initially had our heart set on the voice of Kit from Nightrider, in all likelihood that guys voice sounds nothing like Kit anymore and will be prohibitively expensive (we’ve already spent all the R&D money on various his-and-his outfits for Clichebot and ourselves). This clichebot will be the Roomba of human-like cliche delivery.  If interested in sending us your demo tape than think about making an mp3 or some sort of digital recording, we don’t have a tape player.  If  you insist on the tape, please send along a vintage yellow walkman with really expensive Beatz by Dre to listen to your recording with.  

Don’t worry, Clichebot isn’t here to make you feel worse about yourself than you probably should already be feeling about yourself.  He can be nice.  Sometimes, you want your robot friend to comfort you with a cliche like, “tomorrow’s another day” or “you’ll get ’em next time” or “at least you don’t have cancer,” and he’s programmed to know when that cliche is most crucial to deliver (facial and body language recognition, and keywords like, “fuck” and “shit”).

Clichebot is preprogrammed to know when to throw out a nice platitude like, “at least you have your health”

He’ll be the best friend you ever had.  In good times, n’ bad times, he’ll be friends forever more.  Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call.

Clichebot is going to be the best friend you ever had.

Who couldn’t use a best friend in this economy?


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