Breaking News! Giants Sign Aging Veterans Too

In honor of the recent deal the Anaheim Angels gave the aging Albert Pujols (10 years and $254 million); I’ve decided to rehash an oldie I wrote for our site, Ovahere.com, to satirize big bucks to guys that might soon be washed up.

The Giants went through a faze at the end of the Barry Bonds era * that epitomized desperate ploys for aging stars (hello, and welcome to: Galarraga, Santiago, Alou, Grissom, Dunston, that guy with the weird stance who played for the Cardinals, etc….), and while I actually loved those old stars and the little production they actually had, there were not going to be bringing the Giants a World Series Championship.  Neither will this Pujols deal.

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NEWS FLASH! BREAKING NEWS! GIANTS SIGN…
Article by OvaHere Staff

December 8, 2006 –

Monday, December 11, 2006:

The Associated Press is reporting that the San Francisco Giants have just reached an agreement with Bobby Bonilla and Andy Van Slyke to play 3rd base and Centerfield respectively for the Giants in 2007.  Brian Sabean announced that the Giants were, “…so very excited to bringing “the big 3,’” from, “those great teams (of the early 90’s).” Van Slyke (45) and Bonds (42) (who re-signed with the Giants Friday for 1 year and $16 million), have been known for many feuds over the years including one recently in which Van Slyke accused Bonds of taking banned substances and lying about it.  According to Van Slyke, “Barry was a great ball player, but he knows what he did was wrong, and you know what, I could have been as good as him, that’s right, I’m better than he is.”  He went on to add, “The Pirates made the right decision in 1993 when they decided the team need to go in the Van Slyke direction, not the Bonds direction.” Bonds was, according to sources (that would prefer to be unnamed for fear of alienating Barry), “going to kill that mother fucker if he ever saw him again.”   However, Sabean is confident that they will be able to put their past differences, “in the past.”  “We’re all grown men here, and I know they’d had some problems in the past, but all they want to do now is win; and with the components that we are going to be able to put on the field, we’re going to compete.  I mean, these guys can hit, and the nucleus of talented arms we’ve got… I’d be really disappointed if we didn’t make the playoff’s this year, or if not this year, then the next.”  Bonilla (43) too, has had issues with Bonds and many, if not all of his past teammates, but as Sabean has remarked, “he can still field a grounder like a pro, and has some arm left.”  Bonilla was excited to be back in baseball after a 5 year hiatus that many in the baseball community have remarked was forced.  “You know, I’m just glad the A’s are going to give Bobby an opportunity, an opportunity to show that I can still play this game.”  Some have questioned Sabean’s recent moves after periods in the early 00’s when he seemed to have the golden touch, and the Giants were perennial winners.  Lately he’s been pursuing players at what appears to be the tail-end of their illustrious careers. Terms of the deal were undisclosed, but the deals were reportedly multi-year deals (Bonilla was reportedly offered 4 years and $32 million, and Van Slyke was offered 5 years and $19 million).  And according to Sabean, “I’m just glad we locked these guys down before anyone else could, and I think by making these moves our front office and ownership has shown the fanbase that we want to win it all NOW!”

– AP – 12/11/2006
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