All I want for Christmas… OvaHere Nostalgia (circa 2005)

I wrote this for our old site OvaHere.com as a “wish list” for Holidays 2005.  It’s pretty prescient, if I do say so myself, including a hilarious ipod joke, and complaints about cell-phones and drivers with cell-phones.  I’m pretty sure this article is why California decided to ban drivers from talking on the phone.  Bravo me.

All I want for CHRISTMAS, I mean, generic politically correct holiday nomenclature…
Article by OvaHere Staff

December 14, 2005 –

All I want for Christmas, I mean Generic Politically Correct Holiday Nomenclature Wish List…
Not to sound like a Republican, but some of us here at Ovahere.com kind of feel like this over-sensitivity towards holiday nomenclatures has gotten out of hand.  St. Patrick’s Day hasn’t been changed to Drink Too Much and Wear Green Day has it?  Cinco de Mayo hasn’t been changed to Drink Too Much and Wear a Sombrero Day has it?  Columbus Day hasn’t been changed into Federal Holiday for States that are Too Racist to Support Martin Luther King Day as a Federal Holiday Instead of Columbus Day Day is it?  No.  Christmas Trees are decorative massacres yes, but they were invented by a bunch of Christians who celebrated something called Christmas, so let’s not start calling them Holiday Trees.  Who really gets offended by this?  I have no problem being offended by the fact that the Whitehouse spends ungodly sums of taxpayer money on them every year (as do most publicly traded corporations), but you’re indignation shouldn’t be directed at what they call the dead tree.  Call it a waste, not a Holiday Tree.

Anyway enough rambling, here is Ovahere.com’s Top Five Holiday Wish List:
5)      World Peace – this is something that most of us really want even if we have never thought about it once, right?  Anyway we’re practicing saying this just in case we’re ever asked this at some beauty pageant or presidential debate or something.
4)      Better Pop Music – many of us here are getting the feeling that “pop” music is reverting back into that horrible grey period from 1997 – 2002 when the most popular bands were over-produced mime troupes with more rhythm than musical ability and generic hard-rock bands that just made us vomit in our own mouths.  We had a nice run there in the 00’s with the Garage Rock Revival, Indie music’s brief fling with popularity, and hard-hitting and politically charged Hip-Hop.  We feel that Rap music would be better if they went back to talking about drinkin’ 40’s, playin’ bones, and bangin’ “ho’s”— instead of drinking Crys, kickin’ it “up in da club,” and bangin’ “ho’s”.  Maybe that’s because we’re poor.
3)      Banning Cell Phones for Stupid People – if you have ever been at a wedding and someone in the audience actually picks up their cell phone during the ceremony, then you can attest to the fact that there really should be some sort of qualitative test for people before they are able to have a cellular telephone.  It could be like the DMV written test only harder to cheat on.
*A sample question could be:  If Sally is a cab driver, how many consecutive minutes of loud and inane conversation should she be allowed to conduct while you are paying a fare in her cab?
A) 5 minutes
B) 10 minutes
C) As long as she wants
D) She should wait until she doesn’t have a paying fare to pick up the phone.

The answer is C), but only because the rest of the test is developed so that in order to pass you have to be the kind of thoughtful person that wouldn’t want to have a loud cell phone conversation. OvaHere’s R& D department hasn’t yet developed the test, but check back early 2006 to see if you would pass.  Probably not.
2)      IPod – We’re getting a little sick of listening to our tapes on our yellow Sony Walkman, so we’d like to start listening to our tapes on this new IPod thingy.
1)      We want to win that Mega Millions Jackpot – some of you cynics out there probably think we want to win the $300 million jackpot because “We’re Greedy” or We want to pay off our over $47,000 in credit card debt” orWe want to be so rich that we’re above the law”, well all of those things would be true, but the real reason is that we have regional pride.  That’s right, no one from the Bay Area has one the big one yet, and we want to bring that baby home to right here in San Francisco .  We want to do it for all of you.
So in recap, what we want from you, the users of OvaHere.com:
1)      World Peace //// So go out there, hug a stranger, give candy to small children, send a letter to the president saying that you’re going to kill him.  Every little thing you can do to spread world peace is a gift you’re giving to Ovahere.com 

 

2)      Better Pop Music //// Stop buying shitty music, that’s what makes “Pop Music” you idiot.  It stands for popular, which in our country means stupid.  Give Ovahere.com the gift of being better than that.  Send all of your Creed and Ruben Studdard tapes to our office; we’ll dispose of them properly (after we put them on our IPod thingy for joke hilarity at parties of course). 

 

3)      Cell Phone Aptitude Test //// Start spreading the word people, someone needed to say something, and not just that idiot who can’t figure out how to turn the ringer off of loud right in the middle of the most important part of “Wedding Crashers”. 

 

4)   IPod //// Please send us an IPod so we can transfer all of our tapes.  These tapes were originally copied from records so rest assured, we know how to transfer stuff properly. 

 

5)      Mega Millions Tickets //// We have what our therapist has called an “extreme predilection to addiction; specifically gambling, substance abuse, violence, and kleptomania” so we can’t really start buying them for ourselves.  Just mail them down here and anything we win we’ll split with you.
Thanks and Happy Holidays from your friends and neighbors at OvaHere.com!

All i want for christmas – 2005

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4 thoughts on “All I want for Christmas… OvaHere Nostalgia (circa 2005)

  1. Alannah December 6, 2010 at 4:01 pm Reply

    you didn’t have an iPod in 2005? it becomes clearer every day which child was the most loved (obviously me).

  2. seattlekungfoolery December 6, 2010 at 4:40 pm Reply

    @ Al – yes, I believe I did have an ipod in 2005, I think it was a lame attempt at being fascescious (*fuh-seeeeee-shus) FASHEEEEESHUS sheesh, you know what I mean

  3. graham December 7, 2010 at 10:41 am Reply

    what would you like for christmas this year? the whole world peace thing didn’t work out. how about a t-shirt or bumper sticker that says “i am already against the next war”.

  4. seattlekungfoolery December 7, 2010 at 11:44 am Reply

    I think that shirt would be powerful and prophetic and I’d really appreciate it wrapped in a shiny new starter jacket!!!!! waaaaaa

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