World Cup Hair – I thought of this before ESPN!

In honor of the impending World Cup 2010 in South Africa, I’d like to rehash an old article I wrote for our site in 2006.  I’m also rehashing this because recently published an article about Hair History that is eerily similar in both style and content to the article appears herewith.  Not to say I thought of this witty and brilliant idea first… but…. I thought of it first.  I hope you enjoy:

“Best of the Worst Hair in Soccer”
Article by James Taylor & Staff
June 15, 2006 –

WORLD CUP:  Best in Worst Hair :::::: Where to watch it!

We here in America seem to care more about certain things.  Things like whether or not Ray Romano’s character has recovered from cancer soon enough to see his son’s tee-ball game, or whether some washed-up ex-cock-rocker from the 80’s will flip out on some reality show.  What we emphatically do not care about, is the World Cup.  This is indicative of many things, 1) the over-under on futbol matches is generally 1, and therefore very hard to gamble on, 2) the tight shorts make us, as a people, very uncomfortable, and finally 3) all that running makes us feel very guilty about our sedentary selves.

I for one, have recently gained an appreciation for the “world’s game” – and not because the Iraqi national team makes me feel like our $800 gazillion dollars was money well spent, and certainly not because it reminds me of that time in 3rd grade when I accidentally threw-in the ball off my own arm.  I like the showmanship, the camaraderie, and especially the feeling that a team from a third-world country like Brazil can be the best.  I also like the hair.  Not because the hair is good mind you, but because it’s just so bad… to the bone.  I admire athletes that try to make themselves look as ugly as possible.

Our own NBA was at one time very avant-garde in this respect.  It featured the best (see worst): afros of the entire 70’s, mullets (over-shadowing MLB only because of their hats), gerry-curls, and man-perms of the 80’s (see Jack Sickma and Reggie Theus): and finally the cornrows of the 00’s—but the NBA has grown stagnant since the beginning of this century.  Soccer can feature the worst “dos” because it is truly a cultural melting pot on a grand scale.  With that being said, we give you’s list of “The best of the worst hair in futbol.”

The Fro-Hawk:

Not to be confused with 2002’s Faux-Hawk and even less like 1982’s Mo-Hawk, the Fro-Hawk brings kinky to the party.  This look was made popular by the Nigerian National Team recently, and would be a very easy haircut to make fun of.  I say “would” instead of “is” – because these guys could look tough sporting straightened bowl cuts.

Fro Hawk

Mod Mullet:

You would be hard-pressed to walk though Popscene on a Thursday Night or a popular Hayes Valley café without running into this “hipster do”.  It is truly wretched and lovable at the same time.  A little man by the name of David “bend me over like” Beckham sports this.  He has a very pretty mouth.

Mod Mullet

David Beckham (England)

The Jerry Non-Curl:

It is greasy like the Jerry-Curl, but straight and stringy – not quite chingy—most definitely blingy.  It’s the Jerry Non-Curl!  Didier Drogba, the most hated man in the English Premier League, and official stud ofAbidjan’s team has sported this for many years.  It hasn’t hurt his game, but it makes him look like he would be just as comfortable being involved in some sort of contraband transaction.

Straight Jerri-Curl

Didier Drogba ( Abidjan )

String Band:

This isn’t a cool Dr. J headband; this is a piece of string that you tie around your flowing hair to keep it from falling into your beautiful green eyes.  It’s obviously a hair accessory and not a hairstyle itself, but nonetheless it merits mention.  It is truly despicable.  It just so happens that is very popular with the Swiss National team, coincidentally the most despicably neutral country in the history of history.

String Head Band = Not Trying Hard Enough


The Wild Man:

This is a style that can best be summed up in one word… “TOGA!”  There’s nothing bad to say about this style: it’s simple, it’s low maintenance, and I’m sure it smells GRRRRRRRREAT!

The "Wild Man"

Ronald Koeman ( Holland )

Tight Tail:

The pony tail that appears to be pulling you backwards is popular with many players, none more notable than Ronaldinho of Brazil (one of the best in the game).  His actually looks like a pony tail attached to a real pony butt from the back.  Only a man so revered can pull this one off.

The Man-ey Tail

Ronaldinho (Brazil)


See I wrote this for World Cup 2006 - ESPN is stealing my ideas!!!! Who are you calling CRAZY!!!!

Where to watch the World Cup? If you’re not into soccer so much – where to find cute Europeans:

Elixir (Mission) :: Nice little spot in the ethnically diverse Mission District (this is the world’s game ain’t it).  Great drink specials and a down home vibe, they serve breakfast too (and not just liquid ones).

O’Neills (AT&T Park/China Basin)  :: Go before a Giants game — revel in devoted fandom (great place to pretend you’re a soccer hooligan), then head to the park to talk on your cell phone and eat garlic fries, and maybe pay attention to a couple of innings of baseball.

Lefty O’Douls (Union Square) :: Yes it’s Union Square, but this is the place for international tourists jonesing for their futbol fix.  There are many bars in the surrounding area that cater to different countries of origin — but this is the quintessential sports bar in the area.

Mars Bar (SOMA) :: Outdoor Patio, Rotating international DJ’s for each game on the tele, and it starts bright and early with 6 am games – if you’re in SOMA you’re probably still awake from the night before.

Marty Macks (Haight-Ashbury) :: Vaulted Ceilings with TV’s running throughout, the Irishmen serving your drink probably won’t move his eyes from the TV to pour your pint, but at least you won’t have to make idle chit chat.

Mad Dog in the Fog (Lower Haight) :: Pop in after you hit the Vapor Room for some 6 am fish and chips at this place made famous for trivia.  If you happen to go when England is playing you better show up 5 hours early (that will give you plenty of time to “warm up”).


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One thought on “World Cup Hair – I thought of this before ESPN!

  1. seattlekungfoolery April 11, 2010 at 6:30 pm Reply

    Sorry, my formating skillz w/ wordpress are still lacking, I’m working on it….

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